Monday, August 23, 2010

Shoe gnomes have infiltrated my house

Apparently there is a thriving black market for the left shoe and for some odd reason only the sizes 1-5 are in demand (someone should warn our father). I got a call this morning from an irate BiblioWife stating that if the school calls, I have to handle the issue because she is done with the kids. Apparently BiblioChild3 could not locate his left shoe and spent the entire morning wandering around the house looking for it (read: staring at the ceiling saying “I can’t find them.”) She opted to send the child to school in illegal sandals in the hope that the professional school staff would fail to look down the entire day.

BiblioChild1 has 2 pairs of shoes, BiblioChild2 has 3 ½ pairs in various conditions from barely held together to needing duct tape. BiblioChild3 has 17 individual right foot shoes and 0 left footed ones to make a pair. This isn’t much of an issue during the summer as they either live barefoot or don thin pieces of foam that they claim are sandals (to be honest, we are lucky that they even wear clothes during the summer). Once the school year starts they are usually entitled to a new pair of feet protection with which BC1 promptly stores his under his bed among a quantity of stolen candy wrappers, BC2 takes his outside and gets a cement truck to run them over and BC3 places his shoes in a location familiar to the gnomes that plague my home.

I wish I could hide a camera in the bedroom of my children just so I could catch a glimpse of these creatures.

Gnome Private: “There they are. I love the smell of new fuax leather.”
Gnome General: “Careful we can’t get caught again. Remember what happened to my cousin Beauregard? Forced to live out the remainder of his life wearing that stupid blue pointed hat and standing in that garden.”
Gnome Private: “Don’t worry; we can hide under these candy wrappers until the coast is clear.”
Gnome Scout: “Shhhh! I see a cat!”
Gnome General: “Pink or Purple?”
Gnome Scout: “Purple”
Gnome General: “No worries Rookie. That pussy is a …. well…a pussy. Just fake a cough and it will sprint into another room. Just keep a look out for The Pink One. She is a real bitch, always stealing the left socks and running down the stairs with them.”
Gnome Private: “How do you tell which one is the left sock?”
Gnome General: “Don’t ask stupid questions.”
Gnome Scout: “Why does she steal socks?”
Gnome Private: “I don’t know. Why do we steal the left shoe?”
Gnome General: “Well, isn’t it obvious?”
Gnome Private: “…”
Gnome General: “Yea, I don’t either.”



  1. Better shoe gnomes than underwear gnomes! :)

  2. yes i agree better shoes than underwear. though i am curious about how one goes about telling the difference from the left to right socks. im not sure how i do it but every morning i guess correctly.


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