Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Two Ladies One Bar? There should only be one…

To the lady at the bar last night…


Did you have fun last night? I thought so. The other bartender and I could tell that you enjoyed yourself so thoroughly. We do have a bit of advice for you to consider next time you and your friends decide to visit to the bar:

Don’t.

It’s not because you didn’t tip us, nor because you and your friends stationed yourselves at the bar, taking up space when I had a full room of people trying to place orders. It was mostly your voice and high pitch cackling that really grated on our nerves. You really didn’t have to whoop and laugh at everything that your beau mumbled or after each swig of “beer”. Trust me, I enjoy a party atmosphere just as much as the next guy but the party is over when everyone around you is giving you stink eye (including the three guys that made up the rest of your group) and my patrons, potential tippers, left the bar in pursuit of an area filled with less screeching.

I did find something hard to understand and I hope you can clear it up for me. If you were planning on doing nothing but fondling your man while his friends watch rolling their eyes and drink nothing but piss beer at an astronomical price, why come to the bar? Why not do the same thing at home with the stereo turned up way to loud after a trip to local gas station where you could have saved $60 on “beer”? That way you don’t have to ask how much it cost for each and every drink and attempt to perform complex addition to see how many drinks you can afford.

I’m not complaining about the lack of a tip, as a matter of fact when the other bartender asked if he should try and lure you over to the mahogany, I said “don’t bother.” Sorry to judge a book by its cover, but I was correct. I’m complaining mostly about your innate ability to take up space without adding any value and let’s not forget you raping my ear with your un-siren-esc screeching.

To the lady who was with the birthday party…

We would like to extend our thanks to you and your friends. We tried our best to make sure that your group had a good time and it looked like we succeeded. When I was speaking about adding value to the bar earlier I was thinking of your group and your actions specifically. We hope you can look back on last night (providing you can remember), smile and plan your next visit. I would like to personally thank your friends for encouraging you to participate in our new game. Not only did it put a smile on bartender’s faces (the ice cube preparation was a nice touch) but your actions helped to increase sales as well. On your way back to your table no less that five men scrambled to the bar ready to buy drinks for your group.

We very much enjoyed meeting the ladies and hope that they come back to visit us again. Oh yeah, you can bring yours friends back too.

~Bibliotender

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