It is no great secrete that I hate the local news. I’m not sure if it is the ‘news’ stories that they feel we as the general public should be interested in or the forced banter that they are required to use in between segments but I have a hard time listening to the show without becoming incredibly irate. Which tends to stress out Bibliowife because she really likes the news and at one point in her life even aspired to be an anchor. I’ve apologized to her multiple times by explaining that the ‘News’ just makes me want transform into Stabby McTroll (aka Mr. Internet Commenter Man) and filth starts spewing from my mouth similar the comments on a religious video posted on YouTube. She doesn’t appreciate the comments that I feel are necessary following a ‘story’ about a ‘local’ 42 year old man who was asked to leave a Wal-Mart in Mississippi for wearing Hello Kitty sandals and pig tails (followed by a comment from the sports guy “*chuckle* Well that is a bit creepy. *chuckle*). The only saving grace is that there seems to be a trend of hiring a fairly attractive lady to be the meteorologist (aka The Weather Girl). I will usually stop what I am doing just to see which Big Boobs McGee the have standing in front of the green screen with a clicker trying to look sexy in a non sexy way because the censors refuse to let them show any skin below the neck or above the knee.
Sorry, I got off on a bit of a rant when I really wanted to talk about the Greatest News Story never aired. Bibliowife and I were playing backgammon….actually Bibliowife was kicking my ass at backgammon with the ‘news’ on in the background. I was failing at my attempt to salvage my dignity so I wasn’t really listening when my sub-conscious picked up on a sentence that demanded my full attention.
“….accident involving a smart car where the driver was impaled by a tree branch and saved by Vanilla Ice….”
There was a collective silence in the room as we tried to wrap our heads around this seemingly impossible story. I had to hear the full story. Unfortunately the sentence was a teaser leading into a commercial break and I was forced to continue watching for the full story. I immediately started to imagine a video of early 90’s Vanilla, complete with metallic pants, pulling this lady out of a crumpled smart car and using his gel encrusted hair combined with his massive gold chains to pull the protruding tree limb from her chest. My eyes were glued to the TV for fear of missing this amazing story that was sure to be the next big water cooler topic that I could present at the office. They never aired the story; it was never mentioned again during that hour or the next.
Apparently Mr. Ice wasn’t even on scene; the impaled lady was singing one of his tunes in the ambulance on the way to the hospital which the ‘news’ people thought was an important bit of information related to the story somehow.
I Hate The News.