Saturday, January 21, 2012

Crying, crying...laughing

This is a guest post...

Nothing helps.  I cry less than at first.  It's been a year, shouldn't something change?
I know crying won't bring him back…stupid to think that it would.  I can't help it.
Most days I can deal.  I make my to do list and move. I don't necessarily move in the direction that I planned, but I plan. Where is my list?
I don't know but I stay busy.
I still cry.  I cry a lot in my car.  Especially when the music is playing.  I don't even drive far.
Moving on with my life and keeping busy...  Is that dealing?  I don't feel any different.
I am just more busy, sometimes.
Many things I do while I'm "busy" are the same things I did when he was here.  He didn't do the busy stuff.  He did the projects and fix-its and the building and many of the "together things" like driving and helping and leading.

It's the alone times, like now, that make me cry.  I didn't plan it…it just worked out this way, this being alone. I am learning I am okay with being alone. Listening to music doesn't help.  We loved music. I still love music even if it makes me cry.  The songs remind me of our happiness, our loving, our fun, our family, our life and dancing. I love dancing. I cry when I dance.  Cry because I don't have him anymore.  .  Cry because the song is still here and he is not.  He knew the words to so many songs.  He would dance with me looking into my eyes, holding me close singing the words. We danced a lot together at home with the music cranked up.  He loved the music loud.  Our boys danced with us and we had so much fun.  He loved to watch me dance. He was a good dancer. 

Those are fun together times.  It felt good to be myself.  I could be myself because I knew that whatever I did and however silly I got; I was with the one person who wouldn't make fun of me.  We laughed. We laughed...together. I cry when I laugh sometimes.  We loved to laugh.  He made me laugh. Those silly jokes that no one else laughed at…made me laugh.  He loved that.  He really thought he was funny.

I loved your laugh.  I loved your smile when you looked into my eyes.  You smiled with your eyes.
The look on your face and the shock in your beautiful eyes when I made you really laugh was so much fun. It was hilarious, like I took you off guard and you couldn't do anything about it….you couldn't help yourself…and your eyes lit up.  You jerked your head back just a bit.  I read your mind, it said "oh, how could you? I…I can't believe you said that…!" and you said "ha ha ha" just like that…out loud and exact.  You held your mouth open wide and acted like you couldn't speak…you covered your chest with your hands as if I hurt you with a knife or something. Then you laughed aloud again and threw yourself around like a child or a monkey…falling onto the sofa or the bed and I completely forgot what I did that made you laugh like that and I laughed at you laughing at me. 
Then smiling, you reached for me pulling me close…you whispered in my ear… "I love you".
I cried.  Good tears.
I loved it when we laughed.


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