Wednesday, January 11, 2012

I Have Been Reported to the FBI (by a crazy old man)

As some of you may know, I work for a bank. We have some fairly strict guidelines for our branch opening procedures, when and if one can be in our parking lot in the morning (mainly for safety reasons). One of our rules involves not entering the location until a designated person has completed a walk-through of the branch and putting up an "all clear" signal.

Because of this, and the fact that I usually arrive 30-45 minutes early to beat traffic and in case of traffic, I tend to park in the parking lot next door and listen to the radio, eat my breakfast, talk to myself, surf the internet, etc... This has become a routine for the past months and until now I have not come across any issues from anyone. Today was a little bit different...

After being parked for ~20 minutes, eating my breakfast, and listening to the radio, I turn on my car to drive over to my parking lot (assuming the branch should be open by now). AS I put my car in reverse a white mid 90s SUV pulls up behind me, blocking my car in. My first thought was 'OJ probably would have sold his Bronco by now', but that quickly subsides as an early 60's white male comes storming towards my window with a crazy look in his eye.

I turned off my car, leaned out the window and asked if I can help him with anything and the following ensues:

Crazy Man: (yelling in a very scared tone)"every day I see you in this parking lot eating your breakfast! You are spying and peeping on us here and we aren't going to stand for it! There is a church right here and you are peeping on these little kids! You face those apartments right there and park in this same f***ing parking spot peeping on the people in those apartments!" (300 or so yards away, even on a good day when my contacts are working properly I might be able to make out a door, which I thought was classrooms or something being that they are on the property of a college).

Me: "Sir, I assure that is not the case. I actually work right around the corner at the bank there. I park here to eat my breakfast before my branch opens because I am not supposed to be in my parking lot before they do."

Crazy Man: "I don't care where you work, the question is who are you working for? There was a hate crime here not too long ago (a sign got knocked down, probably by the wind) and I think you were involved!"

At this point he takes out his camera phone and takes a picture of my license plate.

Me: "Sir, this is the only parking lot in this area that close enough for me to park, where is it you would suggest I park?"

Crazy Man: "It's not my concern where you park!"

Me: "Obviously it is your concern, you've just told me a few different reasons (albeit crazy reasons) why it is your concern."

Crazy Man: "I don't care! I have your information and I am reporting you to the FBI and to the city police. You're going to be arrested!"

Me: (half laughing at this point)"Ok that's fine... again, I work at the bank right there and this is the only place for me to park in the morning"

Crazy Man: "No! It's not fine! The FBI will find out about you! I don't want to see you here again!"

Me: "That's fine sir, you have a great day."

He gets back in his car and drives off. I get back in mine and go to work, letting my manager know the situation as this crazy man now knows where I work and is supposedly reporting me to the FBI. I contacted the local police department and they sent an officer down to take a report for me (not a big deal, we just wanted it documented. Harassing a bank employee before entering the bank is never a good idea and we want record if it ever escalates).

My manager suggested that I park in that same exact parking spot every single day, just to piss the guy off... which I think is what I will do. I talked to the manager at the bank that I park in front of and they told me it is no problem that I park there, in fact, they park in our parking lot in the morning and midday to eat breakfast and lunch.

I think back to it now and wonder why I didn't mess with this guy more. I really could have made him extremely uncomfortable. Maybe I could have played copycat? Should I have asked him if he has satellites in his head like I do? Told him that the FBI already knows about me? Said something obscure like "I am only legally obligated to be 100 yards from any school"?

Who knows, but it made for an interesting morning. I will update you with any more altercations.


1 comment:

  1. First of all, you need to stop acting like that is your first run in with the FBI. Remember that business with the llama and the one armed watermelon vendor?
    Second, I can't believe you missed the opportunity to mess with the guy a little more*. There are so many things you could have said to make it fun. "Sorry sir, let me get cleaned up and I will be on my way. Have you seen any tissues or wet naps around?" "Let me make contact with my comra…. With headquarters then I will be on my way." "Are you Big Willy? His craigslist post said this was the best spot to met him. He said would be driving a white SUV." "That's a church? I thought it was a preschool. Thanks for the info. I'll be on my way then." while mumbling about false advertising.
    You could have tried to fit in as many "meows" as possible during the conversation or just responded to every statement with "Yeah, well, you know, that's just, like, your opinion, man."

    *I know you branded yourself so you need to be professional


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