Remember the ‘lady’ who sent me her birthday wish list? She sent me a list of Nine words that women use. I responded in italics. Lets just say it didn't go over well...
NINE WORDS WOMEN don't know how to USE…
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
~This is the goal of every argument. Once "Fine!" is reached the man realizes that he has won and no further discussion is needed. "Right" is a relative term that women don't understand....
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
~Five minutes = Five minutes. I refuse to accept any other reasoning. If you need 30 minutes, tell us 30 minutes or better yet, tell us 43 minutes and we will be pleasantly surprised when you are actually finished in 50. If men say five minutes while watching sports, they are talking about five minutes game time. I've included a chart for reference.
Basketball 5 minutes game time = 30 minutes clock time
Football 5 minutes game time = 90 minutes clock time
Hockey 5 minutes game time = 15 minutes clock time
Soccer 5 minutes game time = 6 minutes clock time
Baseball 5 minutes game time = We will come find you when the game is over. There is no time in baseball, it could end sometime next week. It would be best to bring us a beer and a sandwich....preferably topless...just sayin'....
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
~Nothing means nothing. If we ask and you tell us 'nothing,' you have effectively absolved us of any wrong-doing that may have taken place. You had your chance, you snooze, you loose.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
~ We know this is a dare but we are conflicted because we have been trained to do what we are told. One part of the brain is yelling warnings but the other is convinced that you approve since you told us to do it. You should be proud that your training takes precedence over the warnings, after all we are only following directions.
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
~Not a word. Not even an onomatopoeia. If you have something to say, say it.
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
~Again, we have been trained to listen to you. "That's Okay" tells us that everything is hunky dory and an argument is nowhere in sight. Which is why we are so confused when you start yelling.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').
~ I actually agree with this one. Take any thanks that you can get. I even accept the "Thanks a lot" as a lot of thanks. A woman's sarcasm is lost on us just like the logic they attempt to use.
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!
~Whatever doesn't tell us anything. It isn't even an answer to a question and you wonder why we screw up your directions
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
~Thanks! I was just about to finish that for you. When you're done can you bring me a sandwich and a beer?.....