Thursday, December 1, 2011

Nine Words


Remember the ‘lady’ who sent me her birthday wish list? She sent me a list of Nine words that women use.  I responded in italics.    Lets just say it didn't go over well...

NINE WORDS WOMEN don't know how to USE…
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
~This is the goal of every argument.  Once "Fine!" is reached the man realizes that he has won and no further discussion is needed. "Right" is a relative term that women don't understand....
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
~Five minutes = Five minutes.  I refuse to accept any other reasoning.  If you need 30 minutes, tell us 30 minutes or better yet, tell us 43 minutes and we will be pleasantly surprised when you are actually finished in 50.  If men say five minutes while watching sports, they are talking about five minutes game time.  I've included a chart for reference.
Basketball 5 minutes game time = 30 minutes clock time
Football 5 minutes game time = 90 minutes clock time
Hockey 5 minutes game time = 15 minutes clock time
Soccer 5 minutes game time = 6 minutes clock time
Baseball 5 minutes game time = We will come find you when the game is over. There is no time in baseball, it could end sometime next week.  It would be best to bring us a beer and a sandwich....preferably topless...just sayin'....
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
~Nothing means nothing.  If we ask and you tell us 'nothing,'  you have effectively absolved us of any wrong-doing that may have taken place.  You had your chance, you snooze, you loose.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
~ We know this is a dare but we are conflicted because we have been trained to do what we are told.  One part of the brain is yelling warnings but the other is convinced that you approve since you told us to do it.  You should be proud that your training takes precedence over the warnings, after all we are only following directions.
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
~Not a word.  Not even an onomatopoeia.  If you have something to say, say it.
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
 ~Again, we have been trained to listen to you.  "That's Okay" tells us that everything is hunky dory and an argument is nowhere in sight. Which is why we are so confused when you start yelling. 
 (7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').
~ I actually agree with this one.  Take any thanks that you can get. I even accept the "Thanks a lot" as a lot of thanks.  A woman's sarcasm is lost on us just like the logic they attempt to use.
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!
~Whatever doesn't tell us anything.  It isn't even an answer to a question and you wonder why we screw up your directions
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
~Thanks! I was just about to finish that for you.  When you're done can you bring me a sandwich and a beer?.....

4 comments:

  1. 1. I think I have to agree with you on this one Biblio... I have always taken "fine" as an indication that the woman has run out of completely insane and irrational statements and that my logic has won over the conversation. This is a sign that she has given up and surrenders. This does not mean, however, that the man is to be rewarded in the bedroom (quite the contrary).

    2. Time is relative:
    For men time is relatively accurate, and for women time is relatively insignificant, especially when someone is waiting for them.

    3. Here is the reason Biblio is correct:

    If we accept the theory that 'nothing' does not actually mean 'nothing', then no matter what we are to assume that 'something' is wrong. I am too damn sensitive to be worrying all day every day trying to decipher the coded messages that are sent out. I would just as soon break it off if a female constantly played these mind games. (I could really talk about this one for hours and I hope my ex reads some of this).

    4. *disclaimer* If you are in the bedroom, this statement is always taken as permission.

    5. Will be accepted as a word only up to the age of 7.

    6. Biblio please refrain from using the phrase "hunky dory". For some reason it makes me think of a fat dora the explorer Fat Dora

    7. Thanks a lot for clarifying this... you think it works both ways?

    8. Again, only allowed up to age 7.

    9. Sudo, make me a sandwich.

    -FCJ

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  2. sigh* Gentlemen, so much to learn with so little time.....

    Ok, let's try this from a different angle....here's a cliff note version on understanding us better.

    - Give sympathy, not solutions: If you could change just one thing, do this: When she talks to you about a problem she's having, JUST LISTEN TO HER. DO NOT OFFER ADVICE! She just wants you to pay attention while she vents, and then she will FEEL BETTER! Just do it.

    - Cuddle more: It's no good if the only time you are affectionate is when you want to be "intimate". We need to hold hands, hug, kiss, etc. on a regular basis or we feel neglected.

    - Be romantic: If you treat your wife or girlfriend like one of your buddies, she isn't going to be very happy. What women want from men are regular, small gestures of love to remind her how lucky she is to be with you

    - Be neater: Wives and girlfriends HATE, I repeat, HATE having to pick up after a man. It's just common courtesy to do things like put your dirty clothes in a hamper instead of leaving them on the floor for her to trip over, or wash some dishes, or put things away.

    - Be emotionally open: A man who rarely or never shares his feelings is going to frustrate the woman he's with. Not only is it healthier for you to open up and express a little emotion, sharing your feelings with her will make her feel closer to you, which will make her happy.


    - Be able to have a conversation: If we can't have a good conversation with you about things besides finances, kids, jobs, household concerns, etc. life is going to feel pretty boring. Be willing to discuss things like movies, books, memories from childhood, your dreams, etc.

    - Have passion: A man needs to feel passion for something in his life (besides the woman he loves!) or he will be dull, dull, dull. It could be his career, a hobby, or a volunteer pursuit, but life together is so much better if you are living up to your potential and making yourself happy by doing something you love.

    - Lastly, be equal partners: It's not enough to bring home a paycheck. Women need your emotional support, and they need you to be a co-parent, helping out every step of the way from changing diapers and midnight feeding (if you have kids) to equally dividing household chores. Say good-bye to your ideas of 'womens' work and be willing to help with everything.

    When women get what they need and want from men, men win too because a happy woman means a happier home and life! So, memorize the list and get crackin' !!!

    Question: and what's with the fascination of bringing you a sandwich?

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  3. Very insightful. If anything is know about our (biblio, fcj, cptn) then it should be common knowledge that we, of all people, know these things.

    But! He taught us a great deal of other very important things that keep relationships going, one of those being humor. With the exception of myself, who happens to treat many a lady this way (often at the same time), my brothers have done a fantastic job of remaining true to the guidelines that have been so thoughtfully laid out for us.

    As for the fascination with being brought a sandwich... we would prefer to have pre-made sandwiches in a mini fridge right next to our beds after the five minute escapade we refer to as a workout. Please don't judge us.

    -FCJ

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  4. So whenever men do something I don't understand, I pick up the phone and call my bestie! The topic this evening was his "wandering eye"
    .....

    My Bestie: If checking out other women is the biggest problem you're having then you're lucky

    Me: Well if it's that small of a problem then he should be able to stop?

    Bestie: you can't change that amount of man, its part of their genetic code, like farting! You have to take him the way he is. Once you start to try to change a man its doomed, they won't budge an inch.

    Me: I know but you can be subtley maniplulate and conjole?

    Bestie: oh honey, the only thing you can work with are hair and wardrobe and even then its a constant battle. Honey, no man is perfect!

    Me: I'm not asking for perfection, I'm just looking for slight alternations

    Bestie: Well be careful with alterations, if you pull the wrong thread, everything falls apart.

    While my bestie and I discussed the theory of change. I thought about my beautiful city, Los Angeles and how the people there are constantly changing. They change their hair cut, their politics, even their friends in a blink of an eye. If change was so easy, why was it so hard for my ex? Was I banging my head against the wall thinking I could get him to stop and notice me? Did I have to change my expectations or is it possible....can you change a man?

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